Trapped

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My name is Maxine Romano, and I’m 23. I was born and raised in Rome, Italy, before I came to Compound Mind in 2004. In 2009, I got engaged to a Romanian man named Trent. In 2011, I became extremely depressed for no apparent reason, and developed an eating disorder (bulimia). I began self harming, and stopped speaking. After about six to eight months, I started recovering, and remained that way until very recently. Lately, some may have noticed an absence. I haven’t been anywhere. Nobody has seen me. Today I logged onto my Facebook and did some updates. I changed my profile picture and cover photo, and made my profile show that I’m depressed. Here’s the rundown of why I haven’t been online and why all this depression stuff is cropping up again, as well as why I will probably not be posting much anywhere:

A couple of months ago, Trent entered a relationship with someone from the Lost Souls. I won’t name her, unless she wishes to be named. We’ll call her Keira, for now. Keira is quite a bit younger than Trent, so when I found out, I was extremely upset, fearing the worst due to misinformation. Rhiannon calmed me down eventually, and I was able to discuss it with Trent and find out the truth, and tell him I accepted it. I loved Keira, she instantly won my heart as an adorable kid with a lot of love to give. She seemed to like me well enough too. She loved Enzo and Paige (my kids, Enzo is two months and Paige is two) and always made time to play with them or help me with them.

When I ended up with retrograde amnesia in 2012, one of the most important things I was told was “You don’t drink. Ever.”, though I didn’t know why. So I decided I would see what happens when I drink. Nothing seemed to happen, except I got drunk pretty quickly, so I had to keep the amounts low. I did discover that I seemed to black out entirely, though, and a few people said I acted uncharacteristically, so I thought I’d probably keep it to a once-in-awhile thing. I quickly found out that I really like white rum, and that White Russians are amazing.

After a few weeks, Trent told me Keira had attempted suicide. I was devastated. When it happened again, Trent found out why: someone had been telling her to do it. Someone had handed her pills and told her to kill herself, until she broke down and did it. That person was apparently drunk, so Keira shrugged it off. Trent helped her through the other instances of that, although Keira refused to tell him who it was that was doing that to her.

One night, after the mysterious woman had tried to make Keira overdose Outworld, she finally decided to tell him, but kept trying to avoid it, saying the truth would hurt him. He kept pressing, though, and got the answer: it was me. I had been going into blackout states where I hated Keira and tried to kill her or have her kill herself. I had, at one point, thrown Paige to the floor in an effort to get at Keira, knowing the one holding me back would catch Paige before she was hurt, leaving me to be free.

I stopped drinking altogether and was put in a single room in the ward, because I was a danger to myself. I had immediately begun hating myself, and self harming, despite many peoples’ hard work to get me to stop (and I’m sorry to all of you for wasting your time). Prior to my commitment I had attempted suicide. When I started having these “episodes” while sober, tests were run. During the episodes, my demeanor would change. I would become withdrawn and harsh, and very quiet. If Keira was mentioned, or I saw her, I would be come angry and try to get at her. I relapsed into my eating disorder in an effort to disappear. Still no luck on that front.

I have now been in the ward for somewhere around two to three months. Trent has become depressed and is self harming again, but he thinks I don’t know. Same with Keira. He hasn’t been to see me, out of fear I guess, but Isis has brought Paige and Enzo in every day. I was diagnosed with psychosis of unknown cause and put on risperidone, which is working. I’ve been symptom-free for three weeks.

There are people who now hate me. I’m with them on this one. One has said he wants to kill me, but he has also said he doesn’t want me dead. I miss Trent, but I believe he’s better off without me dragging him down all over again, and so are Paige and Enzo. I believe things would be better if I disappeared and nobody remembered me. I want this to happen but those who can make it happen refuse. Plus, it would only work Inworld, and last time someone had their memory wiped from everyone’s minds, it got sticky.

I am trapped. I don’t speak to anyone anymore, I hardly communicate, and I’m stuck the way I used to be, all because of my own fuck ups. I don’t know if the alcohol caused the episodes, or if it just happened to coincide, but I refuse to drink any of it just in case. I want things to go back to how they were, but I’ve permanently damaged some relationships, and I will never get that back.

So, if you’ve reached the end of this and you’ve joined the band of people who hate me, I’m not at all surprised and I totally agree. If you haven’t, then I appreciate it but I don’t understand why.

:::EDIT::: the two people involved forgave me. I’m apparently starting to improve a little. I still haven’t forgiven myself.